Anxiety

Anyone ever feel the feeling of being anxious and all about something going on in your life. Well, that’s where I am right now. I am so anxious it is beyond crazy. Lets see sold my home. Moving out. The funny thing is that people in general will stress you. If I knew what I knew then I would not be so easy to help people in need. I have been told i am very kind hearted. That’s my issue. I don’t care what anyone says about me but as you claimed to help me. You majorly benefited from me in major ways. It’s okay because one thing I know for sure is. All the baby dad’s in the world could never ever want me to want someone that blocks me and when I get my place unblock me. I don’t really care how anyone takes this. But I have learned my lesson. Sometimes well most of the time family will mess you over in so many ways.

Yeah my kids have issues but I deal with them. So, I don’t need anyone coming back saying I don’t do this nor that because I bust my ass. I know what they are capable of and what they are. I know mine don’t steal and all that dumb stuff. I just got out of a deep convo with someone and they said to me. “Did you learn your lesson”? I said yes sometimes you can’t save the world. I so understand that now.

People will call and try and be nosey to act like they actually care. They actually think they can see what you got going on and make sligh remarks. Why can’t people worry about themselves. Worry about what you got going on. Not me and mines because you didn’t then so why now.

 

Week From Hell

Okay, this past week was really crazy. Actually beyond crazy. The few good things that made it better were seeing my nephew, a friend of mine and my children. They are my rock. You ever get the feeling that people will drain you with all their craziness until you can’t deal with your own. Well, thats the way I feel.

Let’s see my ex-taught me how to change a flat tire and I’m glad he did because I had one.  Mind you I had a skirt on on my way to an interview.  So these 2 guys stop asking if I’m okay and they see me struggling to not show my butt to the public. Well, they left. SO after I got the tire off this nice man finished putting the tire on for me. At that point, I had already hurt my back and was in horrible pain. So I am on my way home and I have to stop off to the store and pick up some things. Being exhausted and beyond tired. I was sleepy.

Later that night this guy calls and talking trash and I’m like huh, what. So my so call friends wanted to catch up. Well, he had a one-track mind. What is it with men these days. Are you that desperate. Then someone asked me to do their hair and I’m like okay this is the price and so on. This bastard tried to have sex with me. I’m like what is your issue? I don’t like you nor if you were the only man around would not mess with you. So this evening I broke up with my boyfriend because he’s been being a bit disrespectful to me. You don’t speak to me like your my father nor mother. Then there were the warning signs. No hun. I’m done.

The difference is I know I have issues but when people try and tell you what your issues are. Then they are trying to hide theirs. So these past few days been deleting people like crazy no one is exempt. You use me or think you taking advantage, talking trash I’m done. My life, my phone, my way.

My last few days

Okay, people that know me know I keep to myself. However, I was seeing this guy and he got issues because I am not fighting any female over a dude. I have too much good going for me. My only issue is imma school your tale on the truth while you trying to get smart and rude. I can’t help he using you to do his dirty work. I can’t help that you that dumb to do that but you older than me. So I have had to go online and take steps to get my information off. This girl is really dumb I ain’t seen nothing like it. I know men try play women at the same time but dang you talking bout killing me because of this man. I don’t want him. I have moved on. Matter of fact I have had to block this dummy. I really hope he does marry you but after 25 years and he only uses you to do dirty work I don’t see anything there. And his words I may as well marry her she does whatever I tell her. Okay, good for you and her. I was like I’m not that female. And when a man has an issue because of your in college and what your major is. Major warning sign. I have to much class and way too much to lose to some man that I can do well better in all departments. Anyway, if you come across a dumb dude and you know he ain’t about anything then he not worth your time. Finish your degree and own your life. Word to the wise.

Trump and his lies

 

 

Today, I checked out an article about DOnald Trump on Newsweek at http://www.newsweek.com/trump-impeachment-comey-testimony-president-623888.

Pretty much the article is speaking about how Trump has broken laws and should have been impeached. Stating how it didn’t take long for Congress to impeach Clinton during his scandale. I just cannot believe how many people actually supported him thinking that he was going to be the best President ever. He snubs high ranking officials from other conuntries and thinks it’s okay. What bothers me most is that he treats women as if they are trash. I guess if thats what some women like then oh well.

What gets me most is that people seem to be okay with his display of not knowing what to do with this country. Lets see he’s given kudos to AMAZON.COM, use the fact that he is president to boost his own business’s among his wife and daughters. I could have sworn that they cannot do that. Amongst all this he made allogations that Hillary has a residence in Delaware for corporate benefits, well so does he. Many business’s do. Delaware is the place to save money for the rich and wealthy business owners.

Lastly, the funniest thing that got me was when people thought that he was really going to help the disabled and all that. It didn’t happen. Children and an education isn’t important to him. Many programs have been cut because of Trump. Lets see healthcare, children educational programs, programs for the elderly. And finally he changed up and said only people that were illegal that caused issues would be deported. How dumb can people be. He wanted to be president to get out of debt and thats what he did and the people that actually thought he was going to help. No, he helped himself and his family. He’s even asked the FBI and was denied extra millions of dollars for the detail of his trips to New York and other private residences.

But people say Obama was a bad president. Well Obama came after Bush, and he was just horrible. The Bush’s were for war at all costs. And now just when you thought your family members were coming home there not. Your votes really hurt many people. People admitted they voted for Trump and regret it now; due to their husbands and so on that were law abiding people. He tore and hurt many people.

Ice could be used for more important things than this. This part of the government was set up to help people and protect people. Especially, children and people being smuggled. How can they focus on these things and Homeland Security if they are looking up people without green cards and visas to deport. What is wrong with this picture.

Schools Out!

Another school year has come and ended. Oh, what fun. Not! Well, my children’s last day of school was on June 1, 2017. Today was the last day I believe for the other schools in Delaware. Race weekend for the Summer has come and gone.  People do not understand school should be all year around for some of these children because it’s like they get dumber and dumber each year. It’s rather annoying.

Then you have the children that have nothing to do all Summer long but get into trouble. Unfortunately, some parents could care less what their children do. Other’s really tried and put some guidance into their lives. Summer time to some parents it means party time as if they didn’t do that already. Other’s push their children off on other parents because they suck as parents. I feel if they didn’t want children they should have kept their legs closed. They didn’t ask to be born. You knew the statistic of unprotected sex.

I would be so glad when the school year begins because that means they will be in school and I will be free from them for some hours. A much needed break already.

Some men

Okay, I’m a pretty open closed book. If I’m into someone, I let them know and we go out and so on. If I don’t like you I will tell you quick to get lost and you will not have a number to contact me. It’s funny because I don’t talk to many people. Because I know I have a temper and I have been very open spoken in the past towards people. I have calmed down some but I don’t like people that push and push. If I tell you I’m quiet it’s because I have nothing to say at that moment or I am deep in thought. See I learned not to say much about myself due to a past experience. I will not let anyone use anything against me ever. My past is my past and if they badger you over it, then there’s an issue with them. I’ve found they like to twist and change things when deep down they are so insecure about themselves. They think a woman should work and get them things. They straight stupid. The only men I take care of are the ones that came out my stomach. Other than that Hell no.

Two people

When 2 people meet for the first time it’s either good or bad. First off I think it’s a good thing, to be honest about certain things. Well, this is if you 2 hit it off pretty good that is. But then you notice a change and then the real comes out and you truly see them for what they truly are. Nothing worth being with because, in the long run, they have more issues than you. They try and insult you with put-downs and making it all look like it’s your fault but really it’s not. Come to find out they have some serious issues. Thank God I took a step back and began to observe and look for those keywords. No one would ever want to be with you with all your issues or you are you are lucky I chose to be with you. Well, those words were spoken and I started, even more, staying away. He became more abusive with his words. I because of lazy, fat and other things. See those words were the breaker of all ties. I didn’t want to be near him because he was toxic and it made me sick to my stomach every time I spoke to him. He s with his kid’s mom and I’m content with whom I’m with. I still keep that 3rd eye open for warning signs and keeping my distance. 

Not Delaware

Some of the people I know are very annoying and pain in the asses. How dare you contradict yourself and make it seem like it’s okay for me to help you. But when the shoe is on the other foot; it is a different story. If I call you most of the time it’s to say hi but most of the time I don’t call people. Then you have the nosey ones that only call when they wanna know something about you. I sometimes feel like saying, ” Sorry Lynn has no news for your nosy ass today so stop calling”. But I try and be nice and hold a convo I really don’t want to. Right now because people are annoying I really wish I was somewhere on the West coast. The sunny days and palm trees.

Therapy

Okay, I began therapy by court order back in 1998. A bit after I had my oldest son. I went and I was scared but I learned I was not alone. I finished the sessions and learned it wasn’t my fault. Some people have issues with drugs and aren’t brought up correct. I knew there was a problem if your mother has the nerve to tell mine that I deserved to be hit. Woman, you are crazy.  Crazier than I ever thought. I got out of that with a quickness but there was still issues we had a kid together. So I tried to co-parent until a family member saw my 5-year-old walking down the street with 2 unknown women. I kindly went and picked my son up. His father appeared and tried to assault me. Because I put my foot down but his mom felt that was okay that her grandson walking around with God knows who. Well then you have the so godly people that try and intervene and you have to tell them to worry about themselves and leave my child alone. Sometimes you have to tell your own family off because they only think they know what’s happening. I was good after that; until a few years later I met the other kids’ dad he really damaged me. He damaged me to the point to where my whole personality changed. To where I wasn’t kind and quiet Lynn anymore. I was mean and aggressive because of all the abuse and things that he did to me. Of course some oof his family were like she deserved it. Then there were lies until I was homeless with a child. While being abused the whole time. I’d rather not speak about my twins, but yes I was abused than to. I stopped it. I decided I had to fight back because the police weren’t really helping me and he would come out of nowhere and attack me. So, I fought back and made him understand I am no punching bag. I was arrested but the charged had to be dropped because I was supposed to be protected by the police. Through all that I got myself my own house and worked. My children and 10. 11, and 19. They are very protective of me and they all know that hitting is so wrong and they know I do not tolerate it.

The therapy sessions would begin and stop due to being that single parent. Until 2011, my whole life changed. I fell and hurt my back. I changed completely. All that hurt and anger came out because I did not deal with it back then. So I started back going to therapy. Due to all the issues the back injury helped appear just made me suck as a person. I am sociable but quiet. I had to change and change therapist. One that suited me and finally 2016 until now I found one that has helped me the most. We have worked on so much. I have recognized a lot of things and diagnosis’ due to the abuse and the back issues. With all this, I refused to turn to drugs and whatever else people use. I do suffer from major depression, ODD, PTSD, and other things. I try to cope with things with writing and listening to music. I met a guy he was sweet but come find out he has baggage and I tried to be there but you cannot help someone who tries to begin the abuse process that you have been through and finds it funny. I can barely stand this person, let alone let this person touch me. The deal breaker was when he told me to go kill myself and people that take meds are crazy. Funny thing is I was told by a specialist I was more saner than most normal people. I keep my distance from this person because I do not want to revert and I have progressed so much. I have impulse control. I can admit things that were done to me to the kid’s dad and not be scared. It’s okay to confront the person. I refuse to let him nor his family have the power to control me. I still do counseling because I have been through a lot. And rebuilding takes time. So with time I know when my children become grown and have children, I am going to be the best at being there for my grandchildren and to guide them on how to deal with things. Because life is hard and it can be cruel. So with those words, if you are being abused or know someone who is being abused talk to them and be there for them. Do not intervene with the abuser call the police. Let them handle that.

Thinking back

I woke up around 2 am this morning. Why? I really can’t explain why. But my mind is on domestic violence and abuse of women and men. And people fail to realize that they come in many forms and sometimes unnoticeable. I several years ago was abused by both my children’s fathers. One way worse than the other. It’s hard to understand why it happened but I got out of it. Yes, you will run into people that may call you dumb, stupid, this and that. But at that point, you’re already at your lowest. So, why noot other abuse you also. The funny thing is. If they were your true friends they would help you because there are many resources out there that can keep the person away from you. Sometimes it’s hard to find those resources but they are there. I will be writing more on this issue because it’s where I am in my life. I was abused and I’m not okay with that. It’s taken years of therapy to help heal the wounds and learn to forgive and move on and try to forgive and still move on. So stay tuned for more…..

Pain vs. Pain

    First of all, I would like to thank my children for keeping me who I am. Lord knows my oldest is pretty much the only one that can calm me. These few weeks have been trying. I say pain vs. pain because one is physical hurting pain and the other is pain one inflicts on you with words. And they try to hurt you with mean harsh words. People that I come across know I am just a happy go lucky person. I’m not perfect, no one is by far. I learned from someone in a prior work experience that you have to ignore people no matter what because they are not going to get the bills paid nor make you happy. I know some people may even get mad when they read this but this is me. Not them. Strictly me.

Anyway, I know what physical pain is because I hurt my back in 2011 and thought I wasn’t going to be able to do half the things I do. But I fooled them. A little bit slower that’s all. I’m not on medications for the pain just visit the doctor and wish I wasn’t in so much pain sometimes. I speak of the hurtful pain because family and friends can be the worst. They act like they have your best at hand but really don’t. They only care about what they can get from you and how they can benefit. I am the first one to say it. My family is not the best. Then the ones that want to say something but don’t have the balls to say anything to your face. Then the ones that lie to make themselves look good when they know they really not. That’s my family. Do I care about them? Yes. Will I ever let myself get caught up in their bull again? Heck no.  This is part 1 of the drama.

I got this quote from a cartoon. It is so true and many can relate to this. I know I can.

https://ramenswag.com/naruto-pain-quotes/

 

#2  Nagato quotes about hatred

Somtimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because life’s greatest lessons are learnt through pain.

naruto pain quotes

 

 

 

A new day!

Well, today is a brand new day. I was recently asked by someone on a message board from a job site for help to find a job. When people ask me this I always click on their pages to see what their resume’s look like before I respond. That says a lot because some people are lazy. And I am not going to do all the work for you. If you thought you are sadly mistaken. Because in order to get a job all places mainly take resumes and they need to be up to date. Okay so I’m checking and this lady has nothing. I mean nothing a blank page. So, I message her and I begin to ask her questions nothing personal. Just the what type of work, willing to commute, and a copy of her resume, and so, on so I can send her the things I need to send her. I guess she thought either I was going to get her a job or it was gonna fall in her lap. She was mad when I was done with her. I recommended that she get off her but and find her own job. I have come across some people that think the world owes them something. I don’t have a clue.

Not Today!

You ever wonder why everyone wanna be into your business when it don’t even concern them? Here is my insight, nothing better to do but try and make you upset. It didn’t work. See the thing is I don’t have to deal with any of them and don’t. I chose to let the courts handle it. That way I stay out of trouble and keep my calm and composure. See I learned things happen for a reason and I almost fell for it.

God got something better for me. I can’t help my kids father is a woman beater and I have been threatened too many times by his family. See I don’t bother them they constantly got something to say. People get fed up with the nonsense and they do what’s best the court will do what’s best.

Too many people want try and play this or that side. I can’t help your child. I don’t even like him. To be accused of bothering them when they are on my block list was an out right lie. And it’s a shame that you would call people to fight me as other children or a group of females. But God is good and I laugh that drama off because I know my children are somebody and they are so special and for a grandmother to sit and yell that they ain’t shit. Shows she really don’t need bee around my children.

Im the type of parent, I wish one my boys would hit a female. So I pray and call on the Lord Almighty and ask him to give me the strength because you will never have my babies. All things have failed. This is for anyone whom is a domestic violence survivor, yes the other party is always going to hate because they are just sad. I feel like this if you like it I love it. I have a man and I’m very pleased. So trust don’t want nor need his broke tail but he is going to take care his responsibilities. And the court will make sure of that.

So next time your doubting to call the police please do. This makes your case and it helps you with everything you need. He can’t even be around children but you see me bothering him. No, I have someone if I need he makes sure they got and he don’t put his hands on me.

Remember this Love don’t hurt. If they claim they love you and still cheating and hitting you, that ain’t love. You being very naive. So seek help. It has taken me over 10 years to confront and tell their father never to contact me. So I don’t know what they are talking about. God don’t like ugly and always stand up for yourself. Never think it’s your fault. Your life is too important.

Parents with drug issues

I was just reading an article online from people and it was very disturbing. Actually, I read several articles and they all were very upsetting. Me being a mother of 4 beautiful children. I take my job as a mom serious because those children see you and know you. They are innocent from the day they are born. One article was about a couple had a baby and gave it a pain killer that they give heroin attics. I understand that people use drugs for whatever reason but I find using them as a sign of being weak and not doing what needs to be done. Accept the things that happen in your life and move on. Seek help but don’t give your newborn drugs because you could not stay off them while you were pregnant. And then what I really don’t understand is why the hospital did not catch the signs. That upsets me more I believe. Then to learn that 2 of the other children had meth in their systems. Really? It grosses me out. I know people that used or use drugs and their reasons are a bunch of bull to me. Unless someone is holding me down and injecting it into my body, it isn’t happening.

I have my own issues and all but I refuse to use drugs to deal with the issues. The issues that with therapy and help can be fixed. I get it some people just can’t do it. Well if you don’t get clean for yourself do it for your children. They are precious and now both parents are in prison and the kids are with the older kids father. I can’t say if he knew or not but if he did then he doesn’t need them either. They are so young and already introduced to what drugs are. How Crazy.

The other article was even crazier. How do a husband and wife abuse  2 children sexually under the age of 8 for over 6 months. Kudos to the little boy that knew it wasn’t right. Who in their right mind can even do something so gross. How do you make 2 innocent people do sexual things to each other and to the two adults? Who does that? That really blew my mind and to see they only got little time is what amazes me more. And when she gets out of prison 15 years probation because she pleads out.  This says oh just molest any kid and I will get a little time. How sick. What’re your thoughts?

MovingYou have to

I hate moving because that’s when you see what all you have. Plus you gotta pack it all up and go through things. The children’s defitition of packing is throwing it all in a gox and lets go mom. I’m like wait no.

So I had to go through their things and unpack and repack the boxes. What work that took. Then they weren’t folded. I’m like you guys know how to fold clothes. I’mm like well the games and all go off until everything gets packed right. They get so mad. They be okay.

Elijah is my cleaner of certain things. Nebaye likes to clean sometimes. Kenny is okay but that daughter. That girl better get a great education a be well off. That chick does not like to clean anything. She gets mad at me because I make he go back and redo it. I tell her all the time the boys know how to cook certain things whats your issue. I had to repack her room and help her fold her clothes. GOD be with me. She takes all my energy.

Transformers

Okay, my children know I love The Transformers. It’s the inner kid thing. Well, I saw the last one and they are making a new one. It comes out 2019. It’s about Bublebee. I can’t wait. I grew up on the cartoon. It always had some sort of message at the end about life and people. Even with the fighting with the Deceptacons.

I didn’t like them because they were mean robots. But Bumblebee was always my favorite and he has been in everyone. Along with Optomus Prime. It was a cool, neat movie. My children won’t look at them with me. One day when they get older and married and have children. Their children will be hooked. Because I’m going to have them watching it. Just like my mom did with my son. He looks at wrestling actually they all do. She got me good with that one.

Anyway I can’t wait till 2019 when it realeases.

Wonder Woman

Okay, so about a week or so I watched Wonder Woman. I don’t understand why it was banned in 2 countries. Oh! I forgot because the main character is from Isreal. How dumb. So what, no one really cares. I actually liked the movie. I grew up on the series. I can’t wait for part 2 to come out. I just don’t get people. They always find something to argue about. No matter what. The movie I would recommend everyone seeing. And tell those dumb people step out the box.

The new me!

I have decided as of this year to stop letting people use and abuse me. It’s not healthy nor cool. See there are many types of people in this world and I personally am one of those that is a giver and has a heart. Well these last 2 years I have learned so much. They say as you get older you get wiser. And I’m glad I see the light.

I try and look for the good in people. That is my biggest problem. I have come to accept that some people are just down right lazy, and don’t want things out of life but expect you to give them those things. No, sorry it does not work like that. People grow up.

Okay first thing first. If you have children Do Not expect me to watch them unless I want to. For one thing you not paying and they not mine. Second, I’m not your babysitter and your kids do do wrong. So get that out your mind. They do everything and then some. I don’t need my children being come at with some crazy stuff. It’s called protect your children. Third we all had to put our children in childcare at one point in time so do the same. I pay my son to keep his siblings. Don’t thing your any special. You thought so wrong. I know people going to be mad but I really do not care. Children are children and for an adult to say a child did something and they have their own money is just wrong.

I have learned that some parents feel it’s okay to let their kids hit boys and so on. It’s not because the other parents most likely don’t let their kids hit girls. It teaches a pattern. Right now I don’t care if people dislike me. It won’t be the first nor the last. I’m here to take care my children and show them it takes hard work. They look at my mistakes and yes my children do not bite their tongues. If something is wrong they say it. If someone does something to them they tell me. And I handle it. If my child is doing something wrong tell them to stop because they do not want me to know about it.

My children are spoiled rotten but I take care of them. They want for nothing. I have learned not to let anyong stay with me. Because they try and get the upper hand and they feel they don’t have to clean up after themselves. They feel they can do or say whatever and it’s okay. I know I am not the easiest but at the end of the day it’s mine and I would expect it to be clean. See thats where I fail. I have let 3 sibling live with me before and never again because they cause issues. I am tired of fixing and fixing. It’s time to grow up. Life is hard and cruel and it will chew you up and spit you out. Life is too short to bicker and argue so imma love you from a distance. And thats how it has to be sometimes because I know for a fact they would never return the favor.

A Siblings Advise

Okay, so I’m currently not speaking to a sibling and it doesn’t bother me not one bit. Because I am sick and tired of 3 pushing their issues on me. I won’t be naming them because that would be just ignorant. That I can be. I was told by my mother before she passed to stick together. From my mother I have a sister and 2 brothers. Of those from my father a sister and one brother and I have 5 other sisters and 2 other brothers. For the most part we all get along. Together it’s 10 kids, grand kids, and great grand kids. The other moms have always treated me like their own. When I got in trouble I heard it from all aspects down the line. Which was good because I needed that.

Anyway one of my younger siblings and I were having a talk. And she asked why am I arguing with people? I pretty much didn’t have an answer. So, from that day on. I took her advice. Just because someone wants to be dumb and bring you their issues and all. It’s okay to say no. Just say no and don’t worry about it.

So one of my sister’s kids ended up at my home while the mom was out of town. I didn’t catch an attitude or anything. I had to run out to the store anyway. So I kindly dropped him off back home. See this sibling always used to do that. But felt I should break my neck to help her when something good happens. No, I don’t have to.

I learned people will try and tear you down and even hurt you emotionally when they are miserable. At this point it doesn’t bother me that I do not bother with this person. Maybe one day she will get it together.